Missing you

I miss you very much today. You didn't contact me much so I think you are busy. Hence, I do not want to keep sms you or call you to disturb you...

Pictures & Memories

I was browsing through the pictures I have collected over the past 10 over years. They are so rich. I can see myself growing up, the changes in myself. I guess one thing that has not changed was my smile. Although the pictures did capture a moment of my lowest point in life, I realise that I could still smile. What happens to me now?

Once a homely person, a confident person and definitely cheerful gal. But what happened? What changed me? I know, confidence is something only I can help myself. I need to find what caused me to lose confidence before I can solve the problem. Is it really due to the previous break up?

There is a picture I have not thrown away. I'm not sure why I don't want to throw it away. Probably that is the only perfect memory I ever had. I found an album juz meant for him and me, I've not thrown it away too... I will, when I find my Mr Right. Only then, my Mr Right will be my perfect memory.

I want to be the me... who:
smiles often
is close to my friends
is able to manage relationship and frienship
takes pictures and neoprints
spends time at home
buries myself in books
is so caring towards my bf
bakes cookies for my bf
likes my blue spaghetti strap
weighs only 47kg

Next, how can I do it?

Depressing

The more I want to put things right, the more things don't go right. I don't know how to please you and me at the same time. Why so? It's so depressing...

Life is a stage

Life is a stage. We are all players, performers... How true it is. Why are we holding on to some things so strongly and firmly? We are going to lose them when our days are up. So sad... So contradicting to living our lives to the fullest, moral values etc...

Monday blue

Thanks dearie, for meeting up with me and try to chase away my Monday blue. Thanks for choosing the shirt with me too, good taste. I really appreciate it. I don't know why but I feel so safe in your arms. I know I will not have nightmares, I know I feel relaxed, as though you can take away all my troubles. I'm sorry if this causes stress on you. I don't need you to meet me all the time because I remember you say you will give me whatever you can :)

As for your appraisal, you are really good. 5 out of 7 and can be promoted. You are my model. I wish I can be as efficient, capable as you. I'm not sure if I can cope in school but I'll try my best. At times, I'm just so tired. I wish to slack and sleep in on Saturday if possible hehe I need my rest, my sanity

Memorable

Thanks dearie for last night and today. It is indeed memorable and brings back many wonderful memories. Thank you :)

I'm sitting here, trying to do my work... It's supposed to be my holiday. I feel stress and tired. I don't know what I can do to cheer myself up. I want to relax, have some fun, go drinking, but all these will take up my time for doing my work. I don't know how long I have to work a day. I really don't have much life. Although I don't have many friends to go out with, I still hope I can put my work aside and just be myself.

I'm worried that with the stress, my temper will be bad. Of course, I'll try to manage my emotions, sometimes it's just so overwhelming. I wish I can have quality sleep. Had a nightmare the moment I fell asleep last night. I did not call you because we just hung up not long ago. Just so sad...

Thanks Dearie

I went Sentosa today to take pictures. I like the pictures we took. They are so beautiful, so natural... My smile from the bottom of my heart. I wish that next time, we can take more pictures together instead of mine alone. Hmmm I wonder who will take pictures for me when you are away :) Thanks for the wonderful moments today dearie

May God grant me strength

I'm really so demoralised.. Not even a day of holiday for me. I really don't know how long I can sustain. I may look like a pillar, behave like one, but I do need my rest, my break and my holiday. Sometimes I just wish that I will never wake up from my sleep... I'm too tired, tired with everything. Nothing seems to go right. Why so, Lord?

I'm trying to keep my spirit up but after realising that I'm the only one without a break, I really don't know what to say. I'm speechless. I feel so unfair, but what can I do?

Just emotional

I feel very emotional today... Hmmm like one of my friend used to say, "Tell me a day you are not emotional." Haha... Well, probably I'm really too emotional for guys to handle.

I went to SP today. It's so huge, just like NP... When I was in the LT, I recalled my poly days and uni days. How I wish I can be 17 again, relive those days once more. Am I asking too much? Everyone has only one chance to live, but I wish to relive those times again.

I asked myself what I really want to do when I was there. Do I like my job? No doubt, this job gives me a great sense of satisfaction. But what I really wish is to run my own cafe, just like Starbucks or Coffee Bean. I love coffee, chocolates and cakes! In reality, I need a huge sum of captial to start the cafe. I was even thinking of partnership... I like to do something that is really mine. Running a cafe is my own business. Of course, great risk involved too...

Why am I so emotional today? Sigh

It's never enough

You called to tell me that you lost your wallet. I was really worried for you. You said you were scared when you realised it missing. This is the first time you were scared. You told your colleague about it and she took you to the police station. I'm glad you have such friends around you. See? You are not alone :)

Do you realise that I was not on your mind when something happens? Is it because I can't be of help or is it because you are not so close to me that you feel uncomfortable telling me about it? Or is it time issue? Nonetheless, I'm glad you still tell me about it. Like what you said, I'm never satisfied with what you do or what you give. My rationale is that I would want my closest to have the first hand news. You kept telling me that when you find yourself useless in a relationship, you will leave, but I've never felt useful when I'm with you, be it as a friend or a partner. I've never value add your life or any aspect. How should I react then?

I was glad I didn't contact you this morning, else, I might have stepped on your toe without realising. I'm kind of scared of you as you scold me...

If I were an Angel

In life, angels and demons are often at work together. Sometimes angels win and sometimes saturn wins... I'm jus wondering what I would do if I were an angel...

1. I will make both our students hardworking and score good grades, so that you will not have any conflict with the management :)

2. I will plead with God for Guinness to return to earth because he means so much to everyone in my family

3. I will help to foster a stronger bond between your parents, family and you :)

4. I will pray that my grandparents live to 120

5. I will pray that you do not have to work such long hours so that you can socialise with your friends

6. I will help you in your Masters so that you can have good grades

7. I will let you have your promotion as that is your dream

8. I will make sure you earn lots of money so that you can buy whatever you want, like your camera lens hehe

9. I will let a wonderful girl appear in your life so that you will learn how to let go and learn to love without fear of getting hurt coz I hurt you too much already :)

10. You may find that you are not worthy of angel Kristine and may want her to look for someone better, if that is what I understand

Lastly, I will feel that I have taken much misery from the world and I would like to go away, to Jesus :)

Live your life in such a way that when you were born, you cry and the world rejoice, when you die, the world cries and you rejoice... A value I hold. Apparently, along the way, I've lost some of my values.

Letting you know of Ken's website is not to make you jealous or what, but rather, he reminded me of what kind of girl I was. Over the year, I've changed and I've brought you hurt and pain. I'm not sure if I can be that angel he was talking about. Given a chance, I want to be angel Kristine again...

My First Post

This is my first personal blog after so many years. As the title of the blog suggests, this blog will exist for only a year. Main reason, very simple, to be in touch with you when you are away :)

I don't know when is the right time to contact you, how I should contact you. With blogging, it's better, you can know everything about me when you check out this blog. I will give you the pw for the blog too so that you can blog here if you want to :)

In this blog, I'll be very transparent. I'm someone who writes diary, but for the next year, till you are back, I'll be blogging here instead of writing my diary. I just want you to know me better, how I think and everything about me. Some things I blog may offend you, if so, I'm sorry.

First, let's start with today :) I hate being sick. When I'm sick, I feel vulnerable. I wish that someone can take care of me. When I almost fainted in school, I felt scared. I did not have this feeling since 12. Principal asked me to get someone to pick me up as I could not go home on my own. For a moment, I was lost. I did not know who to call. Parents were at work, Alex is having reservist, even if he is not having reservist, he will be working. You, you have to work too. I called brother. He grumbled. It's really not my fault to be so sick. I hate to be a burden to anyone.

In school, I'm a pillar to my colleagues. At heart, I'm someone so vulnerable. I do feel weak at times too. I miss the time when someone sponged me when I was having fever, took me to the doctor. I know you can't do this because you are working, you are busy. I understand. I'm not complaining because you have no obligation to care for me, but I know you do.

If I want you to care for me, I have to appear in front of you, then you will care for me hehe that's how I feel. I don't know why I can't be very frank with you. I'm afraid you will get angry, say I expect a lot etc. I hope with this blog, I can pour my heart out, regardless you read or not :)