I'm sorry... again

I'm sorry again for making you angry. I have offended you countless times and I have to apologise to you, it becomes my second nature to apologise to you, fear you and avoid you. I can't seem to get to know you, get close to you no matter how I try. I told you I'm tired and you said you will handle the relationship. But I still feel myself trying to please you and avoid any possibility of offending you.
You are so cold to me and I still have to put up a strong front. I'm really tired, I do have my down moments too. I'm sick and I wish that someone will really care for me you know

Tired

I'm really tired, tired of doing the admin work for others. Please... I have a life to lead too, I have my own share of work, my own admin. When I volunteer, please appreciate and don't take advantage of me. I'm just trying to be nice and lighten everyone's load by taking on more work.

I have to put on a smile in front of everyone. In front of you, colleagues etc... But who knows I'm crying deep inside? I know it's something I need to learn, learn to delegate work but I'm the person in charge, if I don't get the job done, I'm still responsible. I don't want to be sad in front of you because you will be sad if I do...

Dad and Mum

Daddy and mummy quarrelled at the coffee shop today. Sis called to inform me and asked me to be back home early. I don't dare to and asked brother to be home early instead. I don't wish to be caught in quarrels anymore. Sis says this time is quite bad and they are thinking of a divorce. This is something they have been talking about since I was young. I hope this is just another time and not take for serious. I just feel like crying. I want to be happy, can I? I don't have much faith in a relationship, I'm trying to work things out and my parents are showing me otherwise. Should I just give up like them?

Happiness

Dearie, I finally understand what it means by "Happiness is a choice" :) I'm not going to let anyone or anything make me unhappy! Even though you are not meeting me today, I'm not unhappy coz I choose not to... I want to me who was so happy and I know how to be happy already.

I like to go out to work or study because my house is not very conducive, not that I'm not a homely person. You like to stay home because your home is conducive. So, I hope you will not impose on me to work at home or what because we are in different environment and situation. I hope you can see from my point of view. I'm actually scared when I tole you I may be going out. I know the moment my parents are home, I can't work. And, I don't know why but my body and mind are in a rebellious state. I don't want to work, I want to relax. I can't read a book in peace at home, but do you realise that? I'm not someone who likes to explain too, but if I don't make myself clear, I think your misunderstanding of me will deepen :)

Yup! So, Mr Mike, I'm happy, even when I don't meet you ok?

My Prayer to God

Father in heaven, if you can hear my prayer, pls take me away. Yes, I'm praying this prayer again.

I'm not equipped to survive in this world, people judge me, remembers my weaknesses but not my strengths. Is this how you make mankind to be? It's so tough to be here. Lord, my heart is bleeding, my eyes are blinded, pls take me away.

I was told you know me by name but I seem to be forgotten by you. What is the learning pt in this rel? Where is the guy you promised? There is no perfect one so we need to try to be the one... But am I going too far to be the one such that I've lost myself? God, show me the guy. If mike is not the one, then change my heart and feelings for him. Yes, this same prayer once more... In jesus' name. Amen

Humiliation

Sometimes, thinking back on the things that you said about me, I feel so humiliated. I've never said that someone is not good enough for me and you said that twice to me. What you don't like about me is my weaknesses, what I don't like about you, you pass it off as that's you and I have to learn to accept it. It's not fair dearie. Am I a sand bag to tolerate your blows, a sponge to absorb all humiliation? I have feelings dearie, much more sensitive than many people. My HOD said that it's good to be sensitive. A strength to one, is a weakness to another.

At times I feel so upset for my parents. A gal who seems to be successful in life has to stoop so low just for someone she loves. I wonder if I will ever snap and decide to leave you. I'm hurt and my heart is bleeding but you won't care...I don't know why I'm still holding on when you are so harsh to me. A fool or it's love?

In your equation, I'm inconsistent unknown variable. Actually in this rel equation, you are the inconsistent one. At any point, any moment, you will give up. Any thing that makes you unhappy, you will threaten to give up and I have to beg you and suffer your verbal punches. But me, you know, is always there, trying to stay put. Who is then the inconsistent one? I have no security in this relationship as I don't know when you will leave me. Teach me, what should I do? How will you become consistent? If I have no security, how can I be emotionally stable?

You give me no space to make mistakes, no space to voice out, only through this blog... But you forgot that I'm not perfect

The quarrel

Thanks dearie for letting me know the usefulness of this blog. I think it's still the best way of communicating my thoughts to you. At least I'm protected and you can have time to process before getting angry.

Thanks for highlighting that quarrels happen before sch starts. At least I can be more prepared in future, juz like my PMS, which I'll try to let u know. I'm thinking, if it's not this period of time, you'd probably be more tolerant. I juz want to say thanks for highlighting the shortage of time for informing me beforehand. I know it's short term. I should try to be more flexible. It's my shortcoming, I'll try to work on it.

I'm sorry for creating a quarrel. It's probably my fault rather than yours. I have 2 requests.. Of course you can reject. First, please try to control your anger. I know it's you, but you will hurt yourself and your loved ones, children, wife, parents... Two, dun make decision when you are angry or say things that hurt someone.. Trust me, been there, done that.. So now I learn to keep quiet when angry or disappointed and look for solutions. Lastly, thanks for reading this blog.

Probably the last...

This may be the last post... This blog doesn't seem to serve it's purpose. It's a place I seek comfort, a place I open up and seek solace, but I guess there are still some things I can't be open or truthful about.

You were asking about happiness... My happiness is when you are happy, doing what you want to do. Sometimes, letting go is the best way to love a person, just like letting you leave me as that is what you want. You didn't want me, so I won't say I have a bf. If I don't have a bf, I will behave differently, shouldn't I? See? I'm so confused... I hate myself, I hate the situation I'm in. I was always afraid of losing you but right from the start, I've never had you. It's just a foolish thought on my part. Status in a relationship seems so important but sometimes they are nothing when you are not treated like a gf or wife. Sometimes, behaving like one but no status is tough to hang on too... I'm not sure if I can give you what you want in this case...

Thoughts behind the tears...

I'm a crying baby in your eyes... because you don't know the thoughts behind my tears... Before I cry, there are lots of thinking going though my mind. Solutions are what I'm looking for, but there are times I can't find a solution so I cry. I can't bring myself to tell you what I'm thinking or I can't express my thought to you well. At times I wish I can be so carefree with you.. But it's not so simple. I need to be understanding. As a friend, I'm not understanding, I just write people off, I can't be bothered... If I were to do that to you, I'll never be with you. If I ever let my feelings for you come to a standstill, I'll move on and give up on you. I'm trying to hold on to the memories we had, probably that explains why my memory with you stops on 31 Dec 2009... Just like the way I want to remember Guinness.. I want the pain to remind me of him.

Whatever is written here makes no sense and is not coherent coz this is how my mind works... It's just a glimpse of it. Sometimes I wish I can snap and snap out of everything, living a zombie life, in my own world...

I used to hide in a shell and not give my heart away after the 3 yr relationship till I met my ex. I was hurt again.. Next, I met you, thinking I could be safe with you and out of my shell again.. But I was wrong. I'm hurt and I want to hide in my shell again. I think I'm in my shell once again. I'm not thinking about going into a relationship at the moment coz you said I'm not suitable and I'm pretty convinced that I'm not good enough. Unless someone comes along and manages to get me out of my shell, I'll stay where I am, in my shell... It's not your fault coz it's me who doesn't know how to handle a relationship. I'm learning to be a better person. Thanks for being so truthful to me.

If only I can...

If only I can make some decisions when I'm with you, such as order your drinks and food for you when you are not around, what movie to watch at what time, when to meet, where to go, what time to meet etc... You are always so busy that I try to accommodate your time and everything. There are times I really wish to go places I have never been, but you are too tired or in a rush to meet. I can try to understand, but sometimes I wish I can have my way too... Being with you, I don't dare to voice out what I wish or want, because you will say I expect a lot, stretch you etc.. I really don't know what to do.